“Ooh, Matron!”

One minute it’s Monday, the next it’s Friday and, somehow, I haven’t done half the writing I wanted to do.

I am quietly panicking.

‘Rapid Response’ Medical Romance Stories

There’s not much time for this (sorry!) but if you’ve written a ‘medical romance’ or could create one in the next two weeks (think sexy doctors in white coats and fluttery-eyed nurses), then you might be interested to know that Mills & Boon are offering a ‘rapid response’, fast-track, TWO WEEK turnaround, if you send them the first chapter and a synopsis of your (50,000 word) novel by 30th June.

More details here

You can read more about what Mills & Boon look for in a ‘medical romance’ here (and, needless to say, you need to think ‘E.R’ and ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ rather than ‘Carry On Doctor’. Shame).

Checklist For Critiquing A Novel

If you’ve written or are writing a novel, or even if you’re just ‘thinking about it’ (there’s lots of us in that boat, aren’t there?!) then you might find this checklist useful, kindly put together by American editor and author C.S.Lakin.

She offers a critiquing service for novels (can’t endorse that, by the way, as I have no experience of her work – in novel writing or critiquing!).

I assume this is the checklist she uses when she reads a manuscript.

It’s interesting stuff and some of it could be applied to a short story. For example, “Does your story begin with some sort of conflict—either internal or external?” and “Is the protagonist sympathetic from the start?”

That was a ‘lightbulb moment’ for me, by the way, when, after I’d been writing for a number of years, someone pointed out that your main character (‘protagonist’, if you prefer) has to be sympathetic in some way.

If your reader doesn’t like the main character or is not interested in and engaged by him, (s)he’ll put the book down.

I’m reading a novel at the moment for my book club which I am HATING! And it’s the first book I’m reading on my e-reader, which is spoiling the ‘novel’ (hah) experience.

Anyway, the main reason I’m hating it – apart from the fact that it’s a poor imitation of Sarah Water’s ‘Fingersmith’ and I’d much rather be reading that again, than struggling through this – is because I have no sympathy for the main character. She’s flat, she’s not engaging or believable. I can barely remember her name, that’s how dull she is…

In fact, that’s it. Life’s too short to read a bad book. I am officially GIVING UP on it. My OH has finished it (he’s in the book club too). He thought the same as me but he ploughed on. So, now he can give me a resume of the rest of the plot!

I’m sure I’ve asked you this before but does anyone else give up on bad books?!

Sheila Cornelius, Patsy Collins, The Writing Allsorts Blog and that intrepid duo, Tracy Fells and Wendy Clarke, whose exploits in London (what with the near-assassination and all that), sound like an urban ‘Thelma & Louise’ type adventure (minus Brad Pitt but with lots of laughs to compensate). Girls, what are you waiting for? Get writing!

Brad Pitt in ‘Thelma & Louise’

Wendy clearly learned lots from the day, because her piece is actually serialised – Part 1 is here and Part 2 here.

And Tracy, (who blogs as The Literary Pig), describes the day here – and provides a picture of the rucksack which Wendy found so funny. (I’m with you, Tracy – you can’t beat a good rucksack for carting all your stuff around, on a day out. I had one in Milan. Much more practical than a handbag!!)

Aww, they were all there and I wasn’t! Am feeling all ‘left out’ now although, to be honest, I had a horrible migraine on Friday, so it was probably best I hadn’t booked. I’d have been the miserable-looking one, scowling in the corner.

P.S: Was hoping to be able to end this by saying, “Ooh, spooky! I’ve just had a quick look at my emails and there’s an ACCEPTANCE from Woman’s Weekly!” But sadly, life’s not like fiction – or a blog post, is it? There is no such email in my inbox.

We went up on the roof, like you do and enjoyed the coolness of the interior where, apart from the beautiful stained glass windows, what I remember most were the decomposing bodies of two cardinals in glass coffins. Hmm, strange. (And people were taking photos of them. Hmm, stranger).

It ‘s not just the ‘being away’ – it’s the ‘catching up’, isn’t it? (If I owe you an email, please ‘bear with’. I am working my way through a zillion of ‘em).

I acquired something of a taste for Negroni cocktails while I was away. Yum. Highly recommended.

Writers & Artists’ Competition

The Writers & Artists’ Yearbook people have taken my breath away by announcing their 2014 short story competition! We’re not even half way through 2013 yet! (Aren’t we? Or am I in a timewarp?) Details are here if you want to enter. It is one of the few FREE short story competitions around and has a great first prize of an Arvon course, so definitely worth a go!

Writers Bureau Competition

The Writers Bureau’s June competition is a quiz. Answer the (literary) questions correctly and you could win one of their ‘Write for Competitions – and Win!’ courses.

Details here.

Just to blow my own trumpet a little, a student in my Thursday class won last month’s competition – and as he was a late-joiner, he’d actually only been to one lesson when he won! That’s got to be my quickest ‘success’ ever!

Work!

This morning I was at work – having training as part of my new job, which I’m officially starting in mid July. All a bit of a shock to the system. Work? On a Saturday?

I’m going to be working for a local charity – The Friendship Project – which matches ‘Older Friends’ (volunteers) with ‘Younger Friends’ (disadvantaged children), for friendship and days out. I was an ‘Older Friend’ myself for about 8 years, so it’s a charity I totally believe in and know a lot about. I’m thrilled to be working for them, although it’s only a few hours a week.

Here I am in ‘the ring’ with her (you can’t see but there were about 20 entries in the ‘Cutest Puppy’ category and I am fraternising with the eventual winner!).

I had high hopes – and we were, I think the ‘People’s Choice’ – as several people (including the whole of the Pony Club, bless ‘em), came up to us afterwards and said we were their favourite – so there!! But, dear reader, brace yourself.. we didn’t even come in the ‘shortlist’ of 5 puppies called forward by the judge.

We had to retreat from the ring, with our respective tails between our legs. Children around us, who’d also been ‘rejected’ were crying. It was hard not to do the same.

OK, so we weren’t ‘rejected’ but, for a few seconds at least, that’s what it felt like.

It occurred to me that entering a dog show is a bit like entering a writing competition (bear with me on this one!). You can look at the other entries and think ‘Hmm, well that one’s not going to win’ (actually, I did think the little one next to me would win and I’d have been happy with second place…) and you can think that perhaps you’ve got a good chance but at the end of the day, it’s all very subjective and down to what that particular judge likes – or doesn’t like.

I have my own theory as to why we didn’t get placed actually but I will leave that for your over-active writerly imaginations to work out! Suffice to say, next time I will take a crisp £20 note into the ring with me! No, I’m only joking! I think, to be honest, because our puppy looks very young for her age, the judges didn’t believe that she was 4 months old. That’s the thought I’m sticking with, anyway).

Competitions, of any kind, are tough. But I still think writing competitions are worth entering for all kinds of reasons, which I’m sure I’ve talked about on here before.

Just remember that if you don’t win, it doesn’t mean there’s necessarily anything ‘wrong’ with your story (or your puppy!) it just didn’t appeal to that judge. Polish it up a bit (the story), get a second opinion, try it somewhere else.

I am not deterred! We are going to another dog show on 11th August and this time we’re entering every category, from ‘fastest sausage eater’ to ‘waggiest tail’ and ‘best trick’. And if we don’t win this time I’m just going to buy a red rosette and pin it on her collar, regardless!

Oh, and if you’re shortlisted or ‘highly commended’ as a couple of my stories have been recently, don’t be downhearted. Celebrate! That’s a success – and next time, you could be the winner!

Free Poetry Workshop – Tamworth, Saturday 8th June

On a different note, if you live in or around the West Midlands, you might be interested in a FREE poetry workshop, which is being run by Staffordshire Poet Laureate, Malcolm Dewhirst, from 10am – 2pm at the Library in Tamworth.

Celebrating the 40th Anniversary of the Library moving into its current building, Malcolm is running a workshop using a series of items that the library staff have selected as being unique to Tamworth Library.

To sign up contact Tamworth Library at: tamworth.library@staffordshire.gov.uk
Telephone: 01827 475646

1. Choose a day when your printer doesn’t work. Set off without the job spec, your CV or printed details of where to go.

2. Drive in the pouring rain. Spray, huge puddles and poor visibility add to the excitement.

3. Realise half way there that you’re ‘on red’ and the ‘no-petrol’ light is likely to ping on at any moment. Sail past the only garage en route because you do not have time to stop.

4. Forget to go to the loo before leaving house (aaagh).

5. Remember, only when it’s too late, that Coventry’s Ring Road is a disaster area. Take the wrong exit 3 times (even with sat-nav)

6. Fail to find somewhere to park for a good ten minutes – which feels like half an hour

7. Scrape your tyre/front wheel against the kerb in your utter JOY at finally finding space

8. Arrive for interview FIVE minutes late, having had no time for umbrella or loo. Resemble a drowned rat when you arrive (with strangely-crossed legs).

9. Be so relieved to arrive at the interview and find nice people who are not annoyed that you are late, that you momentarily forget no. 4 and ACCEPT CUP OF COFFEEE! (and drink it!)

STRESS! Yes that was my morning! And I have never been late before for an interview in my life. Ever, ever. Honest.

P.S: I got the job…. ! *smug face*

Free Short Story Critique

And on a slightly different and much calmer note, my writing Buddy Sally, is starting a critiquing service for short stories! Great idea – she’s good at it (and I should know – she’s been giving me feedback on mine for a few years now!).

And to start things off, she’s offering a FREE critique of a 2000 word (max) short story. All you have to do is leave a comment on her blog and she’ll pick a winner at random. Good luck!

What’s In A Name?

I was reading an article in the paper yesterday, ‘When Crime Pays’ – about ’10 authors for whom crime has paid most handsomely’. It had the usual suspects (hah!): Patricia Cornwell and Steig Larsson and the like but I was most interested in a snippet about best-selling author Lee Child.

Lee’s real name is Jim Grant and he was born in Coventry, where I was today, having fun on the Ring Road. The reason, apparently, that he chose ‘Lee Child’ as his pen name, was so that he would sit between Raymond Chandler and Agatha Christie in the bookshops.

Clever, eh? So, who would you like to sit between….?

My no.1 writing distraction

I feel guilty if the sun’s shining and I’m inside, for example.

I feel guilty if I’m reading a magazine when I’ve got a stack of ‘worthy’ books to read.

I feel guilty if I ignore the dog for too long, watch the tele’, let him indoors make dinner AGAIN, while I faff around on the computer…(erm, which, I have to admit is happening right now).

I feel guilty if I mark poetry assignments instead of writing some poetry myself … and so the list goes on.

Please tell me I am not alone!

Keeping The Illusion Alive…

If you’d been in my kitchen this morning, when I was reading a story in a woman’s magazine, you’d have heard this conversation:

Me: “Oh!”
Him: “What?”
Me: “’Alan’ – the dead husband – has just turned into ‘Brian’.”
Him: (between mouthfuls of Shreddies): “Well, maybe Brian’s another character?”
Pause while I skim backwards and forwards through story, looking for another mention of ‘Brian’.
Me: “No. It’s a mistake.”

I bet the author and the fiction editor are kicking themselves because it’s not very often that an error like that – when a character’s name changes in the middle of a story – gets through. (And going slightly ‘off topic’ here, I’m interested to know whether he was ‘Brian’ to start with or ‘Alan’ – and what made the writer change her mind about the name?!)

So what, you might be thinking? But errors like that, albeit small ones, can be enough to spoil the story for the reader.

We talked about this in my class recently. Anything at all that jars the reader out of your story is NOT GOOD.

So, spelling mistakes, mixed-up character names, too frequent repetition of a particular word or phrase, mixing up point of view or tense unintentionally, getting your facts wrong or confusing the reader by not being clear about who’s talking… I’m sure you can think of some more.

Someone (I can’t remember who, but a clever person), explained it once to me like this:

Imagine your story as a theatre production and your reader(s) as the audience. They’re engrossed in this imaginary world that you’ve created.. heck, they believe in it, they’re THERE!

And then suddenly, there’s a slip-up (one of those things above that makes them stop reading or question something) and they can see the wires on the puppets, or the curtains open just a tad at the back and they get a glimpse of the scenery and actors waiting for the next scene.

Suddenly that illusion is gone: they realise that the world isn’t real after all: you’ve spoiled it for them.

And that’s why getting all those seemingly ‘little things’ right, is so important.

And here endeth the lesson (but I’m reminding myself too!)

Whether you’re writing a short story or a novel, the first line is pretty important.

On that recent BBC Radio 4 programme, ‘Suspended Sentence’ (which is still available to listen to here, if you’re quick), someone says that the first line of a novel should be the equivalent of a ‘come hither’ look. (ooh err). Ideally, it should entice, tease, tantalise and make you want more…

I gave the class some first lines from novels that they probably wouldn’t recognise (ie: not ‘It is a truth universally acknowledged…’) and asked them to ‘write on’ for a line or two. And then we read the ‘real’ ones to see how they compared. Although I say so myself, it was fun.

And if you want to have a go, how about this one (which isn’t one of those that I gave the class):

‘I sat in the back pew and watched the only woman I would ever love marry another man’.*

(I’ll ‘reveal all’ at the bottom of the post).

Bridport Prize – closing date 31st May

There are just 10 days to get your entry/entries in to the Bridport Prize! Eeek – as usual, I have left it all too late but I have an existing story that I might be able to polish up a bit.

You can listen to the winning short story, flash fiction and poem from last year here. And if you only have time for one, listen to Claudia Daventy’s beautiful poem about love – ‘Alakazam’ – which conjures up (ha!) so many pictures, uses so many senses, is deceptive in its simplicity and is just…well, enviably good. (*sighs*)

And In Other News

I’ve got an interview for a part-time job (yes, another part-time job, on top of the class and my ‘tutoring’ for the Writers Bureau. If I get enough of these little jobs together, it might all add up to a half-decent income..)

PLUS, I’ve made the shortlist of a ‘chick lit’ short story competition! It’s the ‘Sunlounger’ competition. Stories had to be set in ‘a sunny destination outside the UK’ and the winner ‘will have their story published in the SUNLOUNGER (e-book) anthology alongside 30+ of the hottest names in women’s fiction as well as receive a consultation with esteemed literary agent Madeleine Milburn and take home a pink carry-on case filled with 21 travel goodies (including a Pan Am flight bag and a luxury cashmere Travelwrap!)’

Ooh ooh, exciting!

The winner will be announced on 1st June (when, funnily enough, I will be overseas myself – in Milan, hopefully in the sunshine).

Anyway, they’ve published the first few lines of each of the shortlisted stories – scroll down the page a bit. As they’re in alphabetical order, needless to say, mine is last – and they’ve spelled my name wrong but hey, I’m used to that!

There are some great first lines there. A stolen super-yacht! ‘You may have missed your wedding but you’re not going to miss your honeymoon..’ .. yes, impressive.

I’m afraid my first few lines are pretty un-hooky (yes, I’ve just made up that word) BUT the story hots up, honest and it has a rather nifty little structure which they haven’t revealed in the paragraph they’ve printed. Anyway, it’s great to be in the 10 shortlisted, even if my story doesn’t get any further. It’s a story I wrote a while ago (probably, ahem, when I was still young enough to be a ‘chick lit’ writer!!) and I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for it.

I will keep you posted….

* The opening line is from Harlan Coben’s new novel ‘Six Years’. You can read the opening few pages here.

Before I get on to the bit you’ve come to see, I just have a quick request. I’m writing an article about our writing ‘gremlins’ – you know, those evil beggars that sit on your shoulder when you’re trying to write, telling you it’s all rubbish and you can’t do it and who do you think you are, anyway..?

Do any of you have a ‘gremlin’ and if so, what effect does he/she have on you and, more importantly, how do you deal with the pesky thing?!

Thanks – any comments gratefully received…

Woman’s Weekly Contributors’ Message

Just had an email from the lovely Maureen Street at WW (‘lovely’ because, for once, she’s not rejecting one of my stories). It’s a letter to ‘regular contributors’ (ooh, get me. If only).

A few weeks ago, they made a plea for more 1000 word stories (can’t remember if I told you that or not?) Anyway, forget that now because it’s all changed! This is what the email says:

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the potting shed..!

OK, you can go back to your cuttings now, while you dream up a storyline!

(Ah, Maureen, if only it were that easy…)

And, blow me, if I haven’t recently sent WW a story that involves adoption (eek, that one will be bouncing back then, any moment) and two other stories that are NOT the length they’re now asking for. Back to the drawing board… (or the ‘potting shed’?)

And don’t forget to let me know about your ‘Gremlins’ please..!!

A writing pal, also called Helen, who blogs here (and who, importantly,* was at school with me in sunny Staffordshire), recently found a letter at her parents’ house, from our school days and emailed me a copy.

It was a grovelling note from our old Home Economics teacher, (let’s call her ‘Miss D’), to Helen’s mother, apologising for sending her the wrong end of term report. In fact, the report the poor woman had received was MY report (the teacher got us two Helens mixed up).

Apparently, in the report-that-went-astray, ‘Miss D’ comments: ‘Helen spends too much time talking to her friend S. E…’ .. and in her follow-up letter, regarding the mix-up, she says, “Dear Mrs B, what can I say? Helen Yendall would certainly recognise the report as her own, for I have been trying to impress upon her that she does not reach her potential standard. Especially so, as she intends to continue into the examination stream…”

A few thoughts struck me:

1. I only have a vague recollection of this but it sounds about right. My friend ‘S.E’ and I did an awful lot of chatting and giggling at the back of the class. (Especially in Latin! Eek. I am ashamed. I got 5% in the exam).
2. Miss D sounds very ‘Jane Austen’ in her letter! Impressive.
3. Miss D – if she’s still around – would no doubt be very surprised to hear that I still count ‘Home Economics’ as my most useful ‘O’ level. (Which, despite her misgivings, I passed). I made a very edible lasagne and rhubarb crumble**, only the other day, for example! And I am, ahem, well known for my rather delicious quiches…
4. Even over 30 years later, I still don’t think this ‘episode’ is something I’m prepared to admit to my mum. (She thinks I was a model pupil!)

So, what did your school reports say? (And if you can’t remember, make it up!) Could you write about your school days, or the good/bad teachers you had? (Helen, do you remember that terrifying German teacher we had – Mr M – who made everyone in the class cry? Including the boys..?). And what about the main character in that novel you’re writing? What would his/her school report say? (If you don’t know, maybe you don’t know your character as well as you should…. )

*everyone’s allowed one adverb!
** Please note, not a lasagne-and-rhubarb crumble. That would be horrible. No, a lasagne. Full stop. And then, a rhubarb crumble (rhubarb kindly supplied by my next-door-neighbour whose wife will not allow him to eat crumble because it’s fattening).

So sorry for temporary ‘loss of service’ but I am back – and with news of the new Writers Bureau competition:

Writers Bureau competition – closing 31st May

This one is to win a fiction writing course. Well worth a go, I think! All you have to do, is write the first sentence of a novel! (You don’t need to worry about the other 100,000 odd words. How great is that?!).

The instructions are: “All we need from you is the first sentence of a novel, and as May 1st 1869 was the date that The Folies Bergere opened in Paris, that should be the inspiration for the story.”

More details – and some tantalising first lines to inspire you, here (scroll down a bit and you’ll find it).

And you might like to get some inspiration from a BBC radio programme ‘Suspended Sentence’ about writing a great first line (only available for a few more days!), which my fellow bloggers Womangwriter and Wendy Clarke have been ‘talking’ about this week. See their blogs for more details. I’m about to get my lasagne out of the microwave and listen to it myself!

P.S: Apparently, spy fiction writer John le Carre has that poster ‘Keep Calm and Le Carre On’ on his office wall. I was beginning to think the ‘Keep Calm’ stuff had had its day, but I like that one!